Toast

1

I haven't been focusing on my mantra that much for this week. Instead of outside the tornado of life, observing, I am in it with other people, pulling, panting and confused. From time to time during mornings, walking at a garden in front of my building I am reminded that the world/life is beautiful. And the way I say it to myself is like I'm convincing myself, so I laugh which is totally funny (well, for me). So anyway, I am panicky, hot-headed, super sensitive. I am paranoid, I doubt other people. While ranting to a friend, I realized that I easily get too frustrated with people. Strangers who sit next to me during commute, long-time friends who say some things that for them (and probably for other people) is normal but for me, is quite negative (it's probably the reaction on their faces which annoys me). But there is actually nothing to be irritated about at all.

I am distracted by what's happening in front of me, and to others. I should practice being on my own bubble. I think that's what I wanted on my first day of school as a university student, 4 years ago. I wanted to be mature about everything. Like what I've been learning from Meditation at Ananda Marga Yoga. But then after a few days, I said to myself, why change if this is really who I am? <--- that was 4 years ago. Now, to have a simpler life, free of thoughts, and only full of love, I have to read the newsletters again.

There is progress actually. Everytime there is a lecture, I focus now on it. I think of the present, what's right in front of me. Now, the next step would probably be, to do something productive when there is no lecture, something to keep the mind from thinking unwanted thoughts. Or to focus, or simply, to meditate. Will try that tomorrow.

School work is piling up. Thanks to professors who give students lots of homework so that they wouldn't teach anymore! <----- Okay, that was a wrong call. I should be full of love and happiness right now. It's wrong. Should always be positive! YES YES YES!